Sex Ed
by Becs
Summary: This is just a weird idea that popped into my head. Imagine the Brotherhood in Sex Ed class! I had heaps of fun writing this.


Disclaimer: I own nothing. I do own Mindy. I didn't think I'd use her that much but she keeps popping up so I guess I better put her in here.

"This is so weird," Pietro said looking down at the banana in front of him.

"Yeah," Lance agreed," who came up with this dumb idea anyway?"

"Now class I want you to open up the packet of your contraceptive," the teacher said, holding up the condom packet to demonstrate.

"Why doesn't she just say condom?" Pietro asked.

"I dunno," Lance said, "this is dumb. My dick doesn't look like this."

"You're right," Pietro snickered, "it's a _lot_ smaller."

"Is not! And how the fuck would you know?"

"An educated guess."

"Now place the contraceptive onto your banana."

"Miss!"

"Yes Todd?"

"Freddy ate my banana!"

"Again? Freddy, please refrain from eating the bananas. Here you go Todd. Now where was I? Ah yes. Place the contraceptive onto your banana."

"Miss?"

"What is it Pietro?"

"Why don't you just say condom?" The class snickered.

The teacher reddened," because to some it may not be politically correct. Now, place the contraceptive onto the banana and - "

"Freddy ate my banana!"

"Oh for goodness sake! Here! But this is the last one."

"Miss! Miss!" Mindy waved her hand wildly.

"What is it Mindy?"

"Pietro's flicking his condom at me!"

"Am not!"

"Yes you are! It stings too!"

"Baby!" Pietro stuck his tongue out.

"Pietro Maximoff, please stop using the contraceptives as a weapon and get back to work!"

"This isn't work!" Pietro objected," this is sticking condoms on fruit! I thought you learnt useful stuff in sex ed!"

"Miss! Freddy ate my banana again!"

"What? How many bananas can you eat? Well there are no bananas left now so Todd, you join Kurt's group, and Freddy, you join Mindy."

"Oww! Pietro quit it!"

"Make me oh queen of all!"

"I'll make you all right!"

"Oww! Miss! Mindy's flicking condoms at me and I didn't even do anything!"

"I thought I told you two to get back to work!"

"Oww! Miss Augusta! Todd purposely flicked the contraceptive in my eye!" Kurt called out.

"What is it with this class!" the teacher yelled, "I will tell you all once more! Do _not_ use the contraceptives as weapons!" The trouble-makers sat back in sullen silence.

"Hey Lance," Pietro hissed.

"What?" Lance turned in his seat to face the speedster.

Pietro grinned and held up their banana. On it he'd drawn a face with black vivid. The condom had been placed on top like a little beanie. "Hello children," Pietro said in a squeaky voice, "I'm Mr Bob Richard but you can call me Dick. I'm here to teach you about sex education." Lance snickered. "No laughing young man!" Pietro scolded, "sex is a wonderful thing, but you must take precautions. I know the youth of today think about sex quite a bit but you shouldn't rush into things."

"Says the guy who's not a virgin."

"Huh? How the fuck did you know?"

"Oh please! As if I couldn't know!"

"What do you mean?"

"Oh come on Pietro. Does this ring a bell? 'Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!' or how about this? 'Pietro, 

slow down!' "

Pietro went red, "you were listening!?!"

"Karen sure screamed loud enough. The next morning I had to explain to Freddy that, no, Pietro hadn't been killing someone last night."

"You are so perverted! I can believe you were _listening_! Just cause you don't get any doesn't mean you can listen to me! Uhg! You were _listening_!"

"Is there something you'd like to share with the class Mr Maximoff?"

"Yes Miss," Pietro stood up, "I would like to officially proclaim Lance a dick and ask that he be forced to wear a sign around his neck at all times that reads, 'do not feed, pat, or speak to the animal.'"

"Thank you Pietro," the teacher said, rubbing her temples, "anything else?"

"Yes. Mindy I know it was you who stole my boxers. I want them back."

Mindy went red, "You little! How dare you!?!"

"Miss! Kurt's hitting me!"

"Miss, Freddy's eating Mindy's banana and he forgot to take the condom off."

"Oh God! Freddy, take the contraceptive off the banana!"

"Whoops," Freddy grinned sheepishly.

"Oww! Pietro's flicking condoms again!"

"Give me back my boxers and I'll stop!"

"I didn't take your boxers you loser!"

"You want me to remind the class why it would definitely be you?"

"You're not man enough!"

Pietro stood up on the desk and began chanting, "I'm shameless, a hussy, I sure as hell ain't fussy! I suck, I blow, that's why I'm such a ho! Oh Duncan! You hun! FOUR! Hole in one!" Pietro swung an imaginary golf club and watched his 'ball's' progress.

"I hate you!" Mindy screamed, rushing forward.

"Miss, she's physically assaulting me! Ahh! Not there! I call sexual harassment! Miss Augusta she's sexually harassing me!"

"Mindy! This is not the sort of behaviour I expect in my class! Go to the Principal!" Mindy walked out of the classroom, her face red.

Pietro sniffed, "I feel so violated."

"For the last time Pietro, get back to work."

"I'm too psychologically damaged. I don't think I'll ever look at a banana the same way again."

"Argh! Todd!" Kurt yelled.

"Hehehe! What kind of shampoo do you use Kurt? It smells like banana!"

"Todd Tolansky!" the teacher yelled, "the bananas are not to be used as hair products! Kurt you may go and wash your hair."

"Bye Kurt," Todd smiled, waving him on his way.

"All right," Miss Augusta said tiredly, "since you are all far to immature to simply place a contraceptive on a banana, we'll move onto the next part of the lesson."

"Miss?"

"What is it Freddy?"

"Now that we've finished with the bananas can I?"

"Yes Freddy, go ahead. You'll probably eat them all anyway."

"What is the next part Miss?" Lance asked, munching on his banana.

"Okay. Now in the next part of the lesson we are going to address something that has become a great debate in this modern era. Now, I all assume you know what a heterosexual is."

"Someone straight," Todd called out.

"Very good Todd. Now, what is a bisexual?"

"Someone into guys _and_ chicks!" Todd said again.

"Yes. And what about a homosexual?"

"Oh I know this one!" Pietro waved his hand.

"Yes Pietro."

"A homosexual is someone who's gay."

"Well done. I'm glad to see you're finally paying attention."

"Oh, I have a question." 

"Yes Pietro?"

"How come animals aren't gay? Are humans some kind of freak cause we're gay? I mean, I know people are saying it's natural and shit but if it is, how come we're the only ones who do it?"

"Uhhhhh - "

"I mean, think about it. You don't see nature programs dedicated to gay lions. So we must be freaks right? Not that I'm against gays. I'm just wondering."

"Pietro, I really have no idea why animals aren't gay."

"Ohhh. Damn. I really did want to know."

"I'm sure you did. Now, how many of you have a problem with homosexuals or bisexuals?" A few people raised their hands.

"Bigots," Todd, Lance and Pietro coughed at the same time.

"Pietro, Lance and Todd, stop insulting my students. Everyone is allowed their own opinion."

"But they are bigots," Lance insisted.

"Outside Lance. I've had enough."

"Bye Lancy," Pietro grinned, "have a nice time by yourself in the corridor." Lance gave Pietro the fingers as he walked out the door.

"Right, the question we are going to debate is, should gays be allowed children?"

"What is there to debate?" Pietro asked, "they're human just like anybody else. Why shouldn't they be allowed children?"

"That's one side of the story Pietro. Not everybody feels that way."

"Fine. I can deal with that."

"Good. Now, what do other people think?"

"It's weird," said one of the numerous cheerleader clones that hung with Jean, "I mean, it would just be such an unnatural environment for the child to be - oww!" She turned around and glared at Pietro. Pietro smiled innocently. 

"Pietro," Miss Augusta sighed.

"What?"

"Give me the contraceptives."

"The what?" Pietro asked innocently, "I'm sorry but I have no idea what you mean."

"Give them to me now or you will find yourself teaching the special needs class with me after school."

"No anything but that!" Pietro cried, placing five condoms in the teacher's hand. 

"Where are the rest of them Pietro?"

"Would you believe Freddy ate them?"

"Hand them over." Pietro slowly placed three more condoms into the teacher's hand. "Thank you. Now, where were you Nina?"

"I was just going to say that it would place pressure on the child to become gay in the future."

"It would not!" Todd interrupted.

"Miss are there any bananas left?" Freddy asked politely.

"No Freddy there aren't and Todd, be quiet."

"I'm bored," Pietro interrupted, "Lance ate my puppet and I'm bored. This is boring."

"Well nobody is forcing you to stay Mr Maximoff."

"Really? Cool." Pietro began to get up.

"Where do you think you're going?" Miss Augusta said.

"Uh, is that a trick question? Cause you just said I could go."

"Go to the Principal's office right now!"

"What the fuck!?!" Pietro yelled, "you just said I could go. Get your fucking facts straight."

"Get out!"

"Fine I'm leaving, but don't expect me to come back anytime soon. I don't need you to tell me how to have sex, I think I can do it without your help!" Pietro slammed the door. 

"I need an aspirin," Miss Augusta moaned, "teaching these rebels is giving me a migraine."

"Are we going to finish the lesson Miss?" Todd asked cautiously after the teacher had remained silent for some time.

"Huh? Oh, no. I think I'm just going to find somewhere quiet and dark to lie down and die in. You can go." The class left in dead silence.

"What happened?" Lance asked as Todd and Freddy walked out of class.

"The teacher's broken," Todd informed Lance.

"She lasted a while," Lance mused, "you have to admire her for that." 

"I have to agree with you Lance," Todd nodded. It was at this point that a woman of about 25 wandered past.

Lance grinned, "look boys, fresh meat."

Todd rubbed his hands together, "five bucks says she doesn't last two weeks."

"You're on!" Lance said, slapping Todd's hand to seal the deal.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

That's it! I had fun writing this and I hope you enjoyed reading it. I had a little trouble deciding if Pietro was a virgin or not but according to my friend he's not. 


End file.
